I think it’s safe to assume Greg Newton, at Nakedshorts, is not a fan of President Bush’s.
Parsing The President
The Morons’ Moron Guide to Economic Salvation
SPEAKER: PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: Good evening. This is an extraordinary period for America’s economy.
We’re (word that rhymes with) plucked.
We’re in the midst of a serious financial crisis, and the federal government is responding with decisive action.
We’re clueless.
Most importantly, my administration is working with Congress to address the root cause behind much of the instability in our markets.
We, the unknowing, are pushing you, the unwilling, off a cliff, to save the unconscionable. We have messed up so much, for so long, at such great cost, we are now qualified to do nothing with everything. (© Mother Teresa.)
This rescue effort is not aimed at preserving any individual company or industry. It is aimed at preserving America’s overall economy.
We’re completely (word that rhymes with) plucked.
First, how did our economy reach this point? Well, most economists agree that the problems we’re witnessing today developed over a long period of time. For more than a decade, a massive amount of money flowed into the United States from investors abroad because our country is an attractive and secure place to do business. This large influx of money to U.S. banks and financial institutions, along with low interest rates, made it easier for Americans to get credit.
The war on drugs is working out as well as the war on terrorism. Damn furrn’uhs.
Unfortunately, there were also some serious negative consequences, particularly in the housing market. Easy credit, combined with the faulty assumption that home values would continue to rise, led to excesses and bad decisions.
Greenspan, you did a heckuva job.
See, in today’s mortgage industry, home loans are often packaged together and converted into financial products called mortgage-backed securities. These securities were sold to investors around the world. Many investors assumed these securities were trustworthy and asked few questions about their actual value.
Moody’s sprayed gold paint on wet newspapers, so we could pay for cocaine.
With the situation becoming more precarious by the day, I faced a choice, to step in with dramatic government action or to stand back and allow the irresponsible actions of some to undermine the financial security of all.
Bribes to Republican legislators declined dramatically.
I’m a strong believer in free enterprise, so my natural instinct is to oppose government intervention. I believe companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business.
Goldman is running out of counterparties.
The government’s top economic experts warn that, without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would unfold.
Fellow citizens, we must not let this happen. I appreciate the work of leaders from both parties in both houses of Congress to address this problem and to make improvements to the proposal my administration sent to them.
We, the unknowing, are pushing you, the unwilling, off a cliff, to save the…Sorry, I already said that.
In close consultation with Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, and SEC Chairman Chris Cox, I announced a plan on Friday.
That started the run on Depends.
First, the plan is big enough to solve a serious problem.
Bribes to all legislators have declined dramatically.
Second, as markets have lost confidence in mortgage-backed securities, their prices have dropped sharply, yet the value of many of these assets will likely be higher than their current price, because the vast majority of Americans will ultimately pay off their mortgages.
Just not the ones included in the mortgage-backed securities Hank wants to buy.
The government is the one institution with the patience and resources to buy these assets at their current low prices and hold them until markets return to normal.
Warren Buffet won’t be around forever.
The federal government also continues to enforce laws and regulations protecting your money.
The federal government is thinking about getting round to enforcing laws and regulations protecting your money. In the meantime, we’re beating the carp out of everybody who saw this coming.
Once this crisis is resolved, there will be time to update our financial regulatory structures. Our 21st-century global economy remains regulated largely by outdated 20th-century laws.
The crooks get a pass.
In the long run, Americans have good reason to be confident in our economic strength. Despite corrections in the marketplace and instances of abuse, democratic capitalism is the best system ever devised.
In the meantime, “democratic capitalism” has been suspended until further notice.
Our economy is facing a moment of great challenge, but we’ve overcome tough challenges before, and we will overcome this one.
Please visit the Department of Homeland Security’s website for instructions on stockpiling duct tape and plastic sheeting.
And together we will show the world once again what kind of country America is: a nation that tackles problems head on, where leaders come together to meet great tests, and where people of every background can work hard, develop their talents, and realize their dreams. Thank you for listening. May God bless you.
It’s been fun, and I’ll be watching this play out from the bunker in Crawford. Thank you for playing.
Felix Salmon drinks the Koolaid
Portfolio Sep. 24 2008
Didn’t Panic
Excerpt: "I was right about what Bush was going to say, but I was wrong about how he said it. This was one of the best speeches of his presidency, if not the best. I was watching in a noisy bar, and got the gist — but more importantly I got the body language. He wasn’t panicked, and he wasn’t angry, and he wasn’t telling us that we really had to Act Now Or Else. He was calm, and surprisingly coherent, and he took first-person responsibility for the bailout, and he explained the urgency without sounding like he was reacting in a knee-jerk manner.
Put it this way: if Chris Dodd has been a surprise to me over the past week, Bush tonight was a revelation. It was like he was a completely different politician from the one I’ve gotten used to for the past eight years."
