Nation Instinctively Forms Breadline

In Philadelphia, thousands ambled into line, guided there by an unseen hand, unable to explain why.

NEW YORK—Drawn by a strange force they could neither resist nor describe, millions of Americans reportedly dropped what they were doing Tuesday and, acting as if by instinct alone, gathered into one massive nationwide breadline.

According to witnesses, citizens across the country exited their homes in near unison, leaving behind growing stacks of bills, empty kitchen cupboards, and what was once a life of comfort to form the spontaneous, 2,000-mile-long queue…

"I was on the phone with my bank when it happened," said Dennis Weinback, an out-of-work school teacher from Alabama who has already made 85 cents selling wooden pencils to others in line. "I just put down the receiver, got dressed, and walked out the front door."…

Added Weinback, "I don’t really remember it, but I must have also made a trip to the attic, because I was wearing my grandfather’s old tweed jacket when I got here."

In the hours since the breadline formed, a number of unexpected and vaguely familiar events have taken place. Shortly after 10 a.m., three men slowly approached a nearby trash can, filled it with old newspaper, and lit a fire to warm their weary hands. Minutes later, observers reported seeing several women, suddenly overcome with inexplicable sorrow, pull their children close to the warmth of their breast…

At press time, nearly 250 million Americans had found themselves waiting in line for bread. Though few could explain how they wound up huddled together in the cold, clad in threadbare fedoras and fingerless black gloves, others seemed less surprised.

"I told ’em it was coming," said 97-year-old Wyoming man Howard MacGregor. "They didn’t listen to me, oh, no, but I tolds them. I did."

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