Courtesy of Tim Knight from Slope of Hope on Zero Hedge
It's hard for me to imagine a more appropriate way to celebrate the birth of the redeemer of our sins and the lamb of God than the shameless purchase of a bunch of useless crap that no one wants or needs. Having done a bit of flying recently, I took the opportunity to once again peruse the SkyMall catalog, from which I humbly offer these last-minute ideas:
Darth Vader Toast -"As the two suns rise over Tatooine (or just that single one over Earth), you'll make your toast and marvel at Star Wars logo branded into it. Be the first of your friends to place this on the countertop: Darth Vader's helmet, dispensing perfectly prepared breakfast bread." OK, look – I'm a Star Wars kid. I first saw it in 1977 and was hooked for life. But this is one of those kinds of gifts I can't stand, because it is basically interesting and amusing for, oh, about one piece of toast. No one actually wants this. Certainly no one needs this. There are countless better ways to spend $45 than a device that will burn a logo onto your bread.
Inspiration Coins – "Take the coin inscribed with that word, tuck it in your pocket, know it's there throughout the day. Etched 3" wood box comes with nine coins (also Love, Courage, Luck, Inspiration, and Confidence)." There have certainly been times in my life when I've needed any of the four valued dispositions listed above. If I need confidence, for example, I might spend some time quietly thinking about past successes or perhaps write a letter to myself expressing any concerns I've got and how I'm best going to address them. What I do not think would be of aid, however, would be taking a coin with the word "Confidence" on it and shoving it into my pants pocket. Are people really this superstitious? If you want "luck" in your life, and you're counting on an amulet to bring it – – well – – lots of luck, pal.
Gnome Skeletons – "Just when you think you've seen them all, these overworked garden friends will make your neighbors and passersby look twice. They've been garden-guarding so long they're nothing but bones." OK, so let's consider this: I think we can all agree that putting gnomes in your garden is borderline acceptable. I mean, it's kitschy enough that you can probably get away with it, although you are definitely taking a risk of lapsing into full-blown tacky. But……..a gnome stripped utterly of its flesh? What the hell, people?
Ass Enhancer – "This Leo men's padded butt enhancer brief has all the benefits of a regular brief, but with removable contour padding and a special design to lift your butt. " I am not a particularly vain person, so perhaps this one simply eludes me. In our society, there are certainly gender-based body biases which we encounter constantly. The ideal sexualized female form is supposed to have large breasts, a thin waist, and wide, child-bearing hips. For a man, the ideal is muscles and a rugged handsomeness. I've been married far too long to lay awake at night trying to think of how to make myself more physically desirable to women, but even if I were to engage in such a thought exercise, the last thing that would occur to me would be to make my rear look larger than normal. I'm sure this would appeal to a certain demographic, but I don't want to interact with the members therein.
Sound Wave Art – "Voice Art is 100% personalized artwork created by your sound waves. You can transform your favorite saying into a masterpiece, ready to hang on the wall for you and others to admire. It's the worlds most sentimental art, 100% you and your message. It's the perfect place to say "I Love You", "Happy Anniversary", or even display your baby's heartbeat!" So in case you're not clear on this, the idea is that you can say, for example, "This Gift Really Sucks", and they will make a poster of that sound wave for the lucky recipient. Skymall wants as much as $855 for this, by the way. Any PC is utterly capable of capturing your "message", and you can print it out on a lovely 8.5 by 11 piece of paper, stick it on the wall, and enjoy virtually the entire benefit you would garner, saving $854.99 to boot! You're welcome.
Jumping Hot Dog – "Then they will LOVE the Jumping Hot Dog, by Waliki. Often used in therapy and for developing balance and coordination skills. Now hot dogs can finally be healthy! Can be inflated to different sizes. Now you can finally play with your food!" Elephantitis of the balls, anyone? The expression on this poor chap's face pretty much sums it up. The shame of springing around the neighborhood on this thing will probably be curtailed by forthcoming cranial injuries when junior does one hop too many.
And, with that, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and God bless us, everyone.
